


Never Mind All That

by Cipher_Is_My_Waifu



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Crack, Gen, I just can't take Bill seriously sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 03:31:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8128805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cipher_Is_My_Waifu/pseuds/Cipher_Is_My_Waifu
Summary: Bill squinted curiously at the elder twins as they stared past him, clearly wondering just what could POSSIBLY be more attention-grabbing than himself. “Hey Sixer, what’re you all staring at?” he griped, turning to see just what it was.-----Because Bill is really just an angry teenager on the inside.





	

Trapped. Stanford Pines was trapped, in a small blue cage, with his twin brother by his side. Stanley had tried desperately to convince him that his mind could be sacrificed to save the world, but Ford couldn’t let him do it. On one hand, it was his brother. His flesh and blood, as bad as the blood had been between them for some forty-odd years. On the other...Ford honestly didn’t think it would work. Cipher was just too smart to fall for it. Better for him to take the deal, with the terms that his family would be left unharmed. He just had to wait for Bill to come back, and hope against hope that the children were still alive when he returned.

After a moment, the ground began to shake, and the monstrosity that was Bill Cipher re-entered the room, Mabel and Dipper gripped tightly in one hand. The room shook enough that some of the ceiling began to fall away, and Ford could see the horrible hole between dimensions that he had inadvertently allowed to be torn. “ALRIGHT, FORD. TIME’S UP!” Bill howled, coming to a stop in front of his prison. “I’VE GOT THE KIDS!”

Even after Bill stopped, the world still seemed to shake a little, and even with his terror for the lives of his family, Ford couldn’t help looking at the rift in the atmosphere. It was...pulsing slightly. He could only hope that this didn’t mean something more was coming through.

“I THINK I’M GONNA KILL ONE OF ‘EM NOW, JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT!” the demon bellowed, holding the twins up to his eye. The children, clearly terrified for their lives, also seemed to have noticed what was happening in the air above them, and could be seen, even from the floor of the pyramid, to be turning their attention from it to Bill and back again. “EENIE...MEENIE...MINEE…” He held up a single black hand, fingers poised to snap. A ripping noise came from the sky, but he didn’t seem to notice. He did, however, notice that no one seemed to be paying him any attention whatsoever.

Both sets of Pines twins gaped in abject horror as two more triangular monsters began to push through the hole in the sky. They were both significantly larger than Bill in size, one a deep silver in color, the other a dark blue. Ford’'s horror changed very slightly to confusion as he realized the blue one was wearing a pearl necklace and had bright red makeup carefully applied around its eye. The other wore a hat that wouldn't have looked out of place in the 1920s, and...was that a mustache? Bill squinted curiously at the elder twins as they stared past him, clearly wondering just what could POSSIBLY be more attention-grabbing than himself. “Hey Sixer, what’re you all staring at?” he griped, turning to see just what it was.

When Bill set his gaze on the other pyramids in the sky, his limbs dropped to his sides, and the pupil in his eye shrank to a mere pinprick. His bricks instantly turned back to their usual yellow shade, his extra limbs and mouths snapped back into his body, and he looked just like he normally did, although still significantly larger. “Oh no...no, no NO!!!” he screamed, dropping the younger set of Pines twins to the ground and grabbing at his sides just below his top hat. The larger monsters quickly turned their focus to the clearly-panicking one that had tormented Ford and his family for so long, and a loud, booming, feminine voice echoed across the town.

“WILLIAM NORMAN CIPHER, WHAT IN ALL THE DIMENSIONS DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

The blue creature quickly swooped down into the Fearamid, landing next to Bill. Up close, she wasn’t quite as large in comparison as she had seemed before; the tip of Bill’s hat likely could brush her uppermost tip if he stood on his toes. The silver pyramid was taking its time looking around the town, seeming to take in just how much damage Bill had done to it. Glancing past the smaller triangle, her eye widened in shock. “IS THAT TIME PUNCH? HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING, BILL?”

Bill let out a loud whine, shaking himself from side to side. “I’m not a little KID anymore, Ma! I can do what I want!”

Ford blinked once. Twice. ...Ma?

The blue monstrosity briefly flared an angry shade of red. “DON’T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, WILLIAM! AS LONG AS YOU LIVE UNDER MY ROOF, YOU WILL LIVE BY MY RULES! YOUR FATHER AND I CAN’T BE GONE FOR TEN EONS WITHOUT YOU BEHAVING LIKE A CHILD, CAN WE?” Bill tried to interrupt, but was quickly overspoken. “CAN WE?!” She pressed a hand against the space above her eye, squeezing it shut in obvious frustration, before speaking again in a slightly lower tone. “For Pete’s sake, Billy, you’re almost nineteen billion years old! Learn to take some responsibility for yourself!”

Off to one side, Bill’s interdimensional friends gathered and were whooping and cheering, loud “Oooh”s and jeering being thrown in his direction. The one he called Kryptos blinked in confusion. “Bill, I thought you said you were like, a trillion! How’d you manage to get the punch if you’re underage, too?” The purple one...Pyronia, Ford thinks? Something like that...elbowed him. “Bill knows where to get the best fake IDs in the multiverse, dumbass,” she hissed loudly.

The dream demon covered his eye with both hands, growling under his breath, as his mother turned her attention on the crowd of interdimensional horrors. “Oh, don’t think I won’t be calling all of your parents, too, now!” she said, tilting slightly to one side for emphasis. The other demons seemed to almost shrink from her gaze, and quickly raced for the hole in the third dimension. “Running away won’t keep you out of trouble for this! I have a coffee date with your mother tomorrow, Ronnie!”

Bill flashed red again, throwing his hands down to his sides. His fists shook with barely-repressed rage and he stomped a foot loudly against the floor. “ENOUGH!” he screamed, and his mother turned back to face him, an entirely unimpressed look on her face. “Why do you guys always DO this to me!!!” he shrieked, slamming a fist into the side of his castle. Bricks rained down to the ground below, narrowly missing a clustered group of terrified, confused townsfolk. “I just wanted to have some fun for ONCE in my miserable life!”

“Oh, you think your life is miserable NOW?” Mother Cipher said, grabbing him by a single brick located near where an ear would be on a human. “Let’s just see how you feel when we get home!” She lifted back into the air, dragging a whining, fighting Bill along behind her. “And why do you insist on bleaching your bricks! Your natural color is such a lovely shade of green; why, so many of my friends would KILL to have a color like that.” 

The rest of her words trailed off as she retreated through the rift in the sky, and the last thing anyone in Gravity Falls heard from Bill was a shrill protest of pain; that she’s hurting him, and he looks stupid in green and she would know that if she ever listened to him. The remaining silver pyramid sighed heavily, making his way through the air to Bill’s castle. He landed gently on the ground several feet from the huddled quartet of twins, shrinking himself until he’s only a few feet taller than the elderly men. “Listen...I’m real sorry about what my boy’s done to your dimension. He’s a good kid, really. He just...needs to mature some.” With a snap of his fingers, they’re suddenly firmly standing on the ground. The petrified townspeople found themselves returned to flesh and blood, standing around in a confused group, and everyone stared at the abruptly normal town they find themselves in. The only remaining sign that anything was ever wrong was the silver triangle floating ten feet off the ground, and the colorful X high above their heads. “I know he has some anger issues, and likes his little parties more than he should, and I know this can’t make up for it, but...hopefully it’ll at least smooth things over enough that we won’t have to involve the authorities.” Another finger snap, and suddenly the roads were paved with...gold? Ford blinked, leaning down to touch a finger against the shining surface. Stan howled with glee, digging his fingers into the dirt and quickly prying as many blocks from the ground as he could manage.

Bill’s father sighed again, pulling his hat from his top corner and holding it against himself, just under the comically bushy brown mustache growing from between a row of his bricks. “Seriously, if there’s anything else you folks need, just say the word. Bill won’t be coming back to this world, or even so much as leaving his room, for at least a decade.” He held a small business card out to Ford, and the polydactyl slowly reached out to take it. A glance downward revealed the text to read ‘Cipher and Sons Roofing’, and Ford stared at it blankly. A string of numbers, letters and strange symbols was arranged along the bottom like some sort of interdimensional phone number, and with a strange feeling in his gut, Stanford realized that’s likely what it was. “Anyway, take care, and don’t hesitate to call if you find anything Bill left behind that you need me to take care of. All the best!” He tilted his hat slightly in a gesture of respect before placing it back on his tip, floating up into the sky, and disappearing behind the rift. The sky closed behind him, and slowly, the smell of sulfur dissipated from the air.

The entire town was silent for several minutes, save for Stan’s grunting and panting as he loaded as much gold as he could carry into his pockets. After a very, very long time, Mayor Tyler cleared his throat. The gathered crowd turned to him as one. “As mayor, I feel I need to pass an act regarding the last few days. None of us really understand what just happened, and I don’t think any of us want to. So if anyone goes asking around about the events of the past week, we say ‘Never Mind All That’.”

Not one person spoke up in protest of the new law.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for nothing.


End file.
